B118: How to hold things loosely

Today, I want to talk about how to hold things loosely. As in, when you’re anticipating something BIG to happen in your life but you don’t have total control on making it a reality… How do you sit in the space in between? And worse, when this big thing requires someone else to make a decision and do the thing… how do you sit with the fact that you cannot control the timeline, the outcome, or anything else for that matter, beyond your own bubble?  

As you may know, our focus on the podcast this entire month is all about alignment and integration… how to help your body, your mind, AND your spirit to work in flow with one another and stay aligned no matter what you face today. To be in cohesion as a whole, thriving person and integrate what you’re learning along the way, to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again.

What’s funny is that my daughter and I were chatting about this very topic over breakfast this morning… and from the mouth of babes comes the deepest wisdom, eh?

She said this…

“When everything is in alignment, it’s like you’re part of a system that runs smoothly and keeps on going… like a circle. And when you’re out of alignment, it’s like being on the struggle bus 24/7. Things are a total mess!”

So true my dear, so stinkin’ true.

In fact, the mantra that my Intuition has been reminding me of these last few weeks is this… 

“Mary, hold things loosely. Hold it loosely.”

Let’s be real for a hot second… Surrendering fully seems like too big of a giant leap for a type A card-carrying control freak like me. But holding things loosely? Well, for some reason, that seems more manageable. Baby steps towards building trust, releasing control, and going more with the flow.

Therefore, let’s break that down a bit further… simplify it. In case you too want to try to hold things a little more loosely today as well.

Here are 3 simple things to remember when holding things loosely that will really help you to shift the energy:

1) Remember what you can and cannot control 

Sounds so obvious but I think in the middle of that high, buzzing anticipatory energy, waiting for the other party to say “yes please” or give you a “thank you, no thank you,” you have to remember this core truth: 

The only thing you can control right now are your thoughts, feelings, emotions, choices, actions and what stories you put on to whatever has happened to you in the past, is happening to you now in the present, or will happen to you in the future. 

This is yours to carry. No one else’s. Hold these things loosely.

And equally, you must remember that you cannot control other people’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, choices, actions and what stories they put on things either, past, present or future. This is theirs to carry… not yours. So release that completely. 

This reminds me of a powerful book I read recently by Jennifer Dukes Lee called, “It’s All Under Control: A Journey of Letting Go, Hanging On, and Finding a Peace You Almost Forgot Was Possible.” I interviewed her back in season one, episode 41, where she simplified how to let go of control. Have a listen if that calls to you.

2) Remember, it’s a dance, all of it.

I’ve been actively working on my courage since the start of this year and it’s starting to really enhance my life in profound ways. 

How? 

Well, I’m glad you asked… 

It’s all about looking at the different aspects of your life and thinking (as James Clear, the writer of Atomic Habits mentions), how can I make this 1% better today? 

Take the Wheel of Life… it breaks down all major aspects of your life from your physical wellness (health and wealth), your mental wellness (growth, learning and making a contribution to your community), your emotional wellness (as in, your relationships romantically or with friends, family, and/or co-workers), and your spiritual wellness (your connection to yourself and to the Divine)… what parts are not thriving as much as they could be? 

image credit: peopleconnexion.com

What could be 1% better by simply making better choices today and courageously speaking up for what you really, truly want with your outside voice?

That’s how my courage comes through these days. I say (again with my outside voice because no one can read my mind) what I want, what I need, or what I desire… and I tell that to the other party. 

This is what I mean when I say, “make a Bold Ask out into the world.” It’s an invitation to a new opportunity where two parties collaborate, come together, go deeper, work together, or run alongside each other, metaphorically… or literally!

Keep in mind… this dance can occur in life in so many ways, big or small, in dating, in negotiating for something at work, maybe when dealing with difficult family dynamics at home, or say you’re interviewing for a job. Even in the micro moments that are relatively low risk, in the grand scheme of things… This metaphor applies, like when you are talking to someone in tech support when your laptop is broken or needing to ask your neighbor across the way to borrow a power tool.

Remember it’s a dance… because the other party might say “thank you but no thank you” (or flat out say NO) at any point. Maybe the timing isn’t right or they are headed in a different direction or want different things and that is okay. 

Much like salsa dancing with a partner, you step forward, you step back. You groove forward, you groove back. And sometimes you choose a different partner to dance with during a completely different song. 

So release the urge to cling or obsess on one outcome, one OMG-this-is-PERFECT solution or person or opportunity. Because if you truly believe that a higher power is in charge of all things and is weaving together (behind the scenes) the very best for your spirit to thrive… then you must (slowly) release your iron fist grip on (just a little) whatever you’re trying to grasp so tight.

Much easier said than done, trust me… I KNOW!

I’m finding this is part of my life’s work, learning how to trust that I’m fully supported in this moment, right now and that God is weaving an incredible tapestry of opportunities and people together behind the scenes that I’m totally and completely unaware of in this present moment. 

It’s His timing, not mine… and I’m just as much in a dance with people on this planet as I am with the Divine. (Go with me for a second…)

3) We are in a dance with a higher power, too.

I believe that God and I are in partnership together, doing a dance too. He’s sovereign over so much outside of my little bubble… the weather, the tapestry, and even the real (and perceived) chaos, both in my backyard and around the world. 

On the flip side, I’ve got my things (my bubble) that I’m holding loosely, right? Well so, I believe that He nudges me to do the thing, talk to that person over here, serve and volunteer my time over there, and constantly reminds me to stay present and stay open in my heart space. In doing this dance, I must remember that He always handles the rest. 

When I really, truly align with this truth and integrate it into my heart-mind-spirit, here’s what happens… my shoulders drop naturally down from my ears. I remember to exhale, which becomes a great big sigh. My digestive system works better. I get better sleep at night, and I realize that ultimately, I’m not the one in charge of turning the big, massive crank that makes the world go around… what a relief!  Instead, I just focus on my bubble, stay present in the moment, and do the dance with Him.

Now if that sounds super far-fetched in your life right now or you’re not even sure you believe in God or a higher power at play, I hear you. I was like that for a great number of years, too. 

And honestly, looking back… those years felt really bleak, hopeless, and lonely for me. Life felt super shallow for me back then… strictly about consumption, plowing through with heaviness, and not in alignment whatsoever with deep contentment.

But the only proof I need to believe that God is real are my eyes… just look around you and notice the intricacy of life and existence around you. Everything is so awe-inspiring, beautiful, wondrous and magnificent… from the birds soaring in the sky to the red-blood cells in your body regenerating on their own to the mind-blowing species of fish deep underwater to the black holes way far away in the sky… to the gentle touch of a loved ones hand holding yours… to the fact that Love is universal and a life-force that can heal us all, if we allow it in. All of that is proof to me that there is a higher power at play… and it certainly isn’t me.

One final whisper

And just one final whisper, just from me to you, dear friend… come in closer.

So if God is real and I’m in a 2-way partnership with Him/Her/Them… how does that change how I make my 1000 daily choices today?

Does it allow me to release your white-knuckle grip on things a little bit? Does it help me to release the need for perfectionism and gives me a bit of grace to ease into greater balance, instead?

Without a shadow of a doubt.

I can hold things loosely because I know all of the pressure of “getting it right” isn’t mine to carry when I simply just relax, do my best, and trust.

And I can hold things loosely because in the moments when the outcome doesn’t quite turn out like I expected, I’m learning to recover faster each time… and not let the disappointment overwhelm my nervous system as much. 

Each time, it gets easier and easier. Each time, you will get more and more courageous to put yourself out there, make another Bold Ask to another party, and just remember it’s a dance.

In the end, you either experience triumph or gain learning.  

That’s all. 

That’s it… that’s the secret to life.

Hold it loosely. Release expectations, fear, and perfectionism. Bolster yourself with courage and know that you’re fully supported in this moment, right here and right now.

You can do this, I believe in you.

It’s time to SIMPLIFY.